Dear dogs . . . (a letter from my blood pressure medication)

OPEN LETTER TO THE DOGS:   Due to recent events (the 7:00 delivery this morning) we need to, again, establish the barking rules. Now, I appreciate you are all vigilantly trying to protect our home from the upcoming zombie apocalypse but two large bags of bark look NOTHING like zombies. Therefore your “OMG – the world is coming to an end” barking this morning which woke up everyone in this zip code a probably a surrounding one or two was a bit uncalled for.

not a zombie

Since this has happened more than once in the past (luckily I didn’t come charging outside with a handgun . . . this time) we need to review the rules of barking. Following are categories of barking which will be allowed

Bark until you get someone’s attention or problem is resolved:

• Actual zombies
• Stranger in the yard        NOTE: we have established the fact that if it is the police we do NOT try to take on the police dog, right?  We all remember what happened last time
• Dog/person down
• Bombing and/or invasion

Bark once then run away/shut up:

2:30 a.m. 4th skunking of the year

• Skunk in the yard (remember the run away part this time – five skunk events last year were five too many)
  
• Stranger coming into front yard/driveway/on sidewalk
• Cat
• Other dog
• Something you aren’t sure of

Don’t bark

• Bird on tree/lawn/drinking from pond/on telephone pole/somewhere in a 2 mile radius
• Mail man (come on guys – his name is Bill and he is really nice. He’s been our mail man since we moved in 14 years ago!)
• Your humans wheeling trashcans to/from curb
• Lawn mower/shovel/snow blower/anything else with wheels when being moved by your humans
• Neighbors
• Damned fire trucks!
• When one of the other dogs has your toy/food/spot on the lawn/looked at your funny/smelled your butt first/ate first/is on the bed

Your cooperation is appreciated.

Tags: apocalypse, barking, blood pressure, dachshund, zombie