I was home in isolation because of radiation I was given for my latest cancer recurrence. Treatment is one of the few days when I can’t go to work because I am so highly radioactive I can’t be around anyone else (human or not).
At least it was nice outside so I was out watering down the orchids in the greenhouse. The tree frogs in the greenhouse were yelling at me and flipping me gang signs. The one thing I forgot before my isolation – get crickets for the frogs.
Out of desperation, I asked Clueless to run to the pet store and get some crickets.
He drove past PetCo.
He drove past PetsMart.
He went to the pet store 43 blocks away because he “could remember how to get there”
Since it was a nice day I actually took the time to change the water in the fish pond (only 3,000 gallons or so) and puttered around the yard trying to explain to the four dachshunds why I couldn’t pick them up. Their English is a bit rusty.
Over an hour after I had sent him on his simple errand I finally hear Clueless’ car in the driveway. The door slam (nothing subtle about Clueless) and I hear my name yelled followed by “help, quick!”
Fearing a gunshot wound (he sucks at driving – road rage is always a possibility) I ran to the driveway. There he stood, covered in vomit holding some brown, wiggling, crying creature.
Me: What The Fuck?!?!
Clueless: I had too! She was being abused at the pet store and she is a full-blooded, registered dachshund. Just like you love. Isn’t she cute?
He turns her towards me.
Me: She is NOT a full-blooded dachshund. What the fuck?
Dog puking everywhere – four dachshunds freaking out!
Clueless: But the sign said she was registered. Just take her for a few days until I can find a home for her.
Me: (not in the least bit happy) What did you pay for this “purebred dachshund”
Clueless: I talked them down to $250
Me: WHAT THE FUCK?!? (in my head along with sobbing – also in my head)
Dog starts coughing and pukes . . . again
Me: I am in ISOLATION! I can’t touch the dogs let alone housebreak a . . . whatever-the-hell-that-thing-is!
Clueless: But she is so cute!
Dog puking again
Needless to say, I took the dog in – I was too exhausted from the radiation to fight.
Surprisingly the other dogs took to her right away. That made it a lot easier because I couldn’t hold her for very long (wasn’t supposed to come in contact with her at all but didn’t have a choice).
She finally stopped puking a couple hours after Clueless dropped her off.
Two days later (after my cancer scan) the vet decided she was, in fact, a Chiweenie and, as a special bonus, full of worms and experiencing a nasty case of kennel cough.
Awwwww Clueless. You shouldn’t have. No, really . . . YOU. SHOULDN’T. HAVE!!!
It took about two weeks before I finally settled on a name that didn’t include the words “what” or “fuck”.
Thus she became Nala (from the Lion King). Her favorite way of playing with the (real) dachshunds was to run up to them and bat them down and around like a lion. Kind of like the crazy video on CNN:
Today she is 13.5 months old and stands twice as high as the dachshunds. She has the legs, forehead, eyes, and ears like a Chihuahua and the long back and tail of a Dachshund. She is the sweetest thing in the world but at least once a week she does something to warrant the name WTF.
Oh, and Clueless never did get the crickets I needed.
I’ve learned not to ask for him to run errands for me EVER again.