One day I will be gone.
Stop celebrating. One day you will too.
This shit happens (then you get to be a zombie – but that’s another post).
Not sure how I’ll go. Probably won’t be 193. Most likely something that will gain national attention and when CNN interviews all of my close friends and family they will be smiling and saying things like,
“oh yeah, we all knew it was going to happen”
“so totally saw this coming!”
“dude, it was awesome!”
“surprised it didn’t happen sooner”
and shit like this.
Okay, to be fair there will be interviews with a few of my family members who will say “we had no idea”, or “if she would have just gone to church/prayed/taken homeopathic drops, none of this would have happened.” (They will play those interviews on KSL)
My real friends and those who know me will be watching the reruns on CNN, drinking heavily, and laughing their asses off.
Anyway . . . as the someone who has worked too closely with those who have a serious, genetic, debilitating condition known as XY chromosomes . . . known to women as the
WHY?? “Y” chromosome . . . it will be my duty before I die to compile a How To Survive Without A Woman Around book.
Note: this is not for those men/boys who have been raised well by women and who know how to do their own laundry with fabric softener/dryer sheets. It’s also not for my gay friends – you guys rock it and don’t need any help from me.
However, it is for guys like this:
- men who frequently refer to women as “babe” or “honey”
- those who wouldn’t know how to cook/do laundry/get dressed without direction
- any man who has use the phrase “clean enough” to describe their dishes and/or underwear
- a guy who has purposefully belched/farted/scratched balls in public while laughing or as a challenge
- has referred to anything, ever, as woman’s work
Hmmmm, might have to name it something cooler like Testosterone Apocalypse, Super Hot Women, Big Boobs, Awesome Cars/Snowboards/Power Tools, etc. just to get ’em to read it.
Yes, it will have lots of pictures because, let’s face it, I don’t care what they say when they get caught with a Playboy, men do NOT read the words!
Here’s a start of my book (may also have to put it into video game format and hijack a lot of XXX websites for maximum effectiveness)
Chapter 1: No Toilet Paper = Bad
Roll on floor or back of toilet = bad.
Not using toilet paper = very bad.
Dragging butt across floor like dog = very, very bad!
Dude, grab plastic/metal thingy inside empty roll.
Push towards empty roll.
Pull entire thing towards you!
’cause it’s all about you
a w e s o m e !
drop empty roll into trash
do NOT drop plastic stick thingy into trash!
Okay, get plastic stick thingy out of trash.
put plastic stick thingy into hole in new toilet paper roll
(use your own analogy here guys if it helps)
put end of plastic stick thingy into hole attached to wall
– go ahead, knock yourself out with the analogies and snicker guys,
I’m doing this for you damn it!
push entire thing towards end you just stuck in hole (snicker, I know) and move other sticking-out part of stick thingy towards other hole.
(breath guys, it’s YOUR analogy, not mine)
put other end of stick thingy into other hole
release let go
bonus points if the toilet paper goes over the top of the roll – this is to help you out at night
BIG THUMBS UP
now go get a beer, sit on the sofa, scratch, and turn on Bravo – you’ve worked hard today dude!
Next chapter . . . Where clean things come from.
God, Darwinism is going to suck for them!